Mine Mind Meandering

*Realizes I passed post 666 without remembering to make a special note*

NnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

FUCK YOU'VE KILLED US ALL

me compiling a list of all the sites i can't access on my home internet...

if i jump now, who will catch me?
~someone on the internet


*camera pans to jade standing below, adorned in tux and top hat, staring up at you with arms crossed

my mom:
huh, there is nothing in here (the pantry) to munch on...

me: ...I have been saying that for the past 3 days...

It's kind of funny, how i used to not understand how people could 'forget to eat' on a given day, yet now I am one of those people who does that exact same thing
like, sometimes I know I'm hungry and that I need to eat, but I pointedly don't because that takes time I don't have (like last week when i was working on my bullshit for online class), but sometimes I just don't see anything that I want or want to make, so I just- don't- eat. I think I can legitimately say that I only ate one actual meal yesterday, and the only reason I am going to eat something at this exact moment is because my stomach started making these pathetic, mewling sounds at me

Buh

I had a dream this morning. This morning I dreamed of tigers
and at first it didn't make sense- the dream up til that point had had a hero
and then the dream shifted back to that hero
and at first that hero was walking along a trail with hills in the background
and then I heard thunder, and the hero turned around.
over the mountains dark thunderclouds were roiling
and then the clouds began to form in the shape of tiger heads
I can't remember why, but this was an omen for the hero, and they took off running down the trail, towards a building
except now the trail was along the side of a large lake
the hero had to get inside quickly, because their laptop would be damaged. the rain was beginning to fall
and that's when i woke up

I love how I came into the office to get some peace and quiet and then everybody files in and starts making noise

Okay, i have now done the college thing and currently have alcohol in my room
... which is funny because none of it is for me
it is a christmas present for my dad

Got most of my Christmas shopping done yesterday

Got ALL of my Christmas wrapping done today

Now, all that is left is to make the cookies with TS tomorrow, and then all preparations will be complete

*nod*

just realized something kind of disturbing:

They say that if you don't like the state of your world, then make a change
that you should stand up for what you believe in

Yet

I have come to the shocking realization that
I
Don't
Care

I mean, sure, I still care about individuals, I still believe in human rights, I belief that life does indeed have intrinsic value
But at the same time, I hate people, I hate the positions they put themselves in, I hate how they cower behind one another, and I hate the world that they have constructed

I would rather live in my own
I would much rather live in worlds of my own construction, where the actions of individuals actually makes a noticeable and lasting difference
Which is weird if you think about it
I mean, I am going into a branch of the medical field
and that is not a joke to me
I generally want to help facilitate the healing process of suffering people
I just don't want to interact with the world

I want to carve out my own little corner of space, furnish it, and live their, interacting with the people I care about and who care about me, doing things that we genuinely enjoy doing
and only get up and take action when someone tries to take it from me, or demand something for having that space

Is that wrong?
Does this make me a bad person? Am I just that disillusioned and jaded at such a young age?
I mean, I Want to believe that there is goodness in the world; I get up every day hoping that this will be the one where my faith in humanity is not pushed further into the negatives
But the world just disappoints me far to goddamn often

...Fuck, I need to go to bed...

The secret is that you don't have to associate with those groups and personalities you dislike. The world will keep on functioning without them and they will bring upon themselves whatever ills they let be brought upon themselves. You do not need to associate with those who are deliberately, mentally, weak.

For your own sake, however, I hope you still find there are people whose company you enjoy. A completely cynical friendless existence would be the perfect way not to get any substantial enjoyment out of your life.

buh
why can't I make myself go to bed before midnight?

I have things to do tomorrow...

OH MY GOD!!!
FREEMAN'S MIND IS OVER!!!!

I have been watching this series for fucking Years. At this point I didn't think it was actually going to end.

I was NOT prepared for this! I was not able to get proper closure!

That being said: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
it was great
I just hope that Ross comes through and starts doing Half-Life 2 now
That, however, remains to be seen

it's weird how, even after 21 years of living with me, my family is still confused when i start talking to myself out loud

That is weird

what, me or my family?

My (and apparently, most of my friends') primary response to hearing most things is a 'huh' given in a variety of tones, usually ranging from confused, to interested, to amused

Me: *standing at the counter, reading Harry Potter*

My brother: *walks in* So, I was reading this book...

What I should have said: Funny, so was I *goes back to reading*
What I did: *sigh*

My mother: *begins sentence with* When you have kids...

Me: *smirks* *suppresses manic laughter*

two-parter:

Pt. 1
On the edge of the city where I live, there is an old and abandoned mental facility. It is owned by the state, and no one is technically allowed inside, but people frequently wander the rolling grounds. Tonight, i was out running around here, and happened to end up on the south end of the grounds. There, there are two buildings- a foundry and an admin building that were associated with the main facility, and are just as dilapidated- connected by a concrete walkway. if you look over the end of the walkway, there is a 10-foot drop to an overgrown parking lot between the two buildings.
When i first got there, i exchanged greetings with a man out walking his dog (a big, black lab, i think). we parted ways and i started looking over the buildings, because kids being the assholes they are tend to tag them like no tomorrow. suddenly, i hear a crash behind me, followed by a yelp. I turn to see that the man is standing on the walkway looking down, and his dog is on the ground in the parking lot.
I sprinted over as the man calls out to look him over and starts running around the building. I get to the dog, and for a 10-foot drop, he was in surprisingly good shape- no broken bones, no limp, no gashes, no bruising. He was a bit quieter than he had been before, but other than that he seemed just fine.
guy gets down to us and starts checking the dog over, relieved as i was that the dog was unharmed. From what he told me, the lab had jumped up on the raised concrete that served as a guardrail, not realizing that there was nothing beyond it, and fell.
The man said he would get the dog to a vet, just to double-check that he was okay. other than that, the only thing broken was the leash, which had been pulled out of the handle when the dog fell over the edge.
we said our goodbyes, and i took off to run back to my car. I'm glad i was there

...except I kind of wasn't

Pt 2.
I don't know why, but I was a little leery of the whole thing. For no real reason, really, just random scenarios that i kept coming up with: i thought the man might have Thrown the dog off the edge, but that didn't make sense in retrospect (especially with the leash). I felt bad for leaving without offering to make sure they got out of there okay, but I didn't have my phone on me at the time.

But what really got to me was the feeling after.
For whatever reason I cannot fathom, for the rest of the run, I grew increasingly paranoid. Like something was following me, or waiting for me. I didn't take the route that I normally do through the trails, because some alarm in the back of my head told me I would regret going that way.
I literally snuck my way back to my car, and I immediately took off (instead of doing some stretches like I normally do), got on the highway, and took an alternative route home.
The entire time I was on the trails, and the entire time I was headed home, I saw nobody following me, and I kept thinking that I was probably overreacting, but i could not shake the feeling until I was literally in the door.
I don't think i was Scared so much as i was Paranoid, like 'go ahead, show me you are following me, I'll fucking kill you', but I have to say, it was weird, especially looking back on the whole affair when it turned out to be nothing.

Honestly, I don't mind the exercise in retrospect: Fear and Paranoia are survival tools. If you listen to them they will keep you alive.
Still, weird night

Made sure a dog was okay, though, so that's a plus

So I was baking some cookies today, and I told my family ahead of time, 'just so you know ahead of time, these are just for me, so that I have something to snack on for the next few days'. They weren't exactly happy, but nobody said anything.

Then, as the cookies are all done and cooling and I have moved on to muffins, my mother comes into the kitchen and says, 'so am i going to get one of these cookies?'. I am more than a little annoyed, but i know i am not going to win this fight, so with a sigh I tell her that she can have one.
She proceeds to launch into a rant, telling me how rude I am being, and how she and my dad provide so much for me, and wondering how she could raise a child that would get so exasperated over giving his mother a single cookie, and how now she doesn't even want it. She throws the cookie down and storms back out.

Like, I'm sorry, but I told you way ahead of time that these were specifically For Me, and it is not my Fucking Fault if you can't listen to me the first time I tell you something

Eh. On one hand, yeah, you did specify that, but on the other hand, you parents have done a metric shit ton for you and it may have been just a little untactful to share even just one.

The world isn't going to run out of cookies, but we can't say the same for the time we have with loved ones. Sometimes it's better to surrender something small, than to regret keeping it.

I've learned these things the hard way.

So, how is today going for me so far:

I got out of the house later than i wanted to
  got to campus with just enough time to get to class

Language class: I need it for my major, but I am feeling really unnerved by how much i will need to do. Like, I Want to do it, I do, but... I don't know. Fear of being unable to learn the language, I guess. Probably normal jitters, but not aided by the fact that the instructor kind of seems like a pretentious cultist. Not a bad guy, but like he and his fellow language students are separate from the University as a whole.
we'll...get back to you on that one

Microbio lab:
Got up to my assigned class just in time to find...nothing. kind of confused. got online and found that classes did indeed start today, and there were three rooms assigned for pre-lab safety stuff, including the one i was sitting in.
*looked around. Nobody*
So, i got up and went to one of the other rooms, and got one of the empty seats. By some stroke of luck, I was actually in the room I was SUPPOSED to be assigned to, and even in the correct seat! and my partner (read: the student in the assigned seat next to me) seems like she knows what she is doing- Awesome

Finally, I checked my dues at the financial office.
Should. Not. Have. Done. That.
I really shouldn't have.
...I guess I am just not allowed to be comfortable about money.

Well, nothing doing now. Just gonna grab lunch and see how classes 3, 4, and 5 go

***Correction: just classes 3 and 4. they are just set up weird for tue/thur, so i thought there was a class between them

Kinda sad that the most useful tool the university has given me is a weekly calendar option for my class schedule

Also: why is it I seem to post more when I am supposed to be doing things?

++ also and: The president is visiting the university. People have been lined up all the way down the Boulevard to get tickets to this event
and I am just sitting here like: WhY?
It's not that I hate the man; I just don't care

Just getting some stuff off my desktop; don't mind me:


forgiveness is for the deserving

creepypasta- freezing blood experiment
chernobyl experiment
fear hormone
ganzfield experiment
gateway of the mind
Tulpa
Harbinger Experiment
Kagome Kagome
Russian sleep experiment


Empty places in the U.S.
Montana
Wyoming
Colorado
Nevada
Utah
Idaho
North Dakota
Northernmost Maine