Discordant Dialogue

Character: *says they are asexual*

Idiot: Oh, so you’re a plant! Are you attracted to plants?

Character: No, but it appears you have great magnetism

Idiot: Magnetism?

Character: Yes. *pulls out dagger* Highly attractive to metal objects

success is measured in blood; yours or your enemy's

~from wh40k somewhere, probably

Grave: why are they playing with lightsabers?
Me: *shrugs* why are they playing with planets?
TS: why does god suck at billiards?



don't you know what you're messing with?!

(stone-faced) a single man with a pair of chopsticks- I'm terrified

Quote of the day by Gravekit:

How the Fuck is it that time?!

Nigga, I was the one who said that

^ What she said

I was born to blood and death much the same as she was born to money


This man knows how to win- he checks his ego at the door, he is a preparation freak, and he is a great athlete


“I have to poke the hornet’s nest! Because I am also a hornet!”


It may or may not be of any consolation to you that you are NOT the hero of this story

If you don't survive, then what is there to be proud of?

What kind of sick, twisted person does this?
would you prefer me to be honest or clever?


You keep summoning up miracle after miracle; will these wonders ever cease?
I should hope so- you need something to look forward to when you die

well, i already know i'm going to hell. at this point it is either go big or go home

There's no time like the present? That is a stupid-ass quote. There used to be a time called the present- we now call it the past. There will be a time like the present- it is currently called the future. Time is time, now shut the fuck up

you can tell a lot about a man from the sound of his heart
normally when I approach I can almost dance to the beat!
So it is strange that yours is so steady

we all die- you either kill yourself or get killed

'I have to deal with enough warhawks back home- i am under no obligation to deal with you'

Just some favorites from the childfree section of reddit:


Oh, I have a huge issue with people touching my stuff.
This happened four years ago, so I was 24. I was at the beach and this little girl came and sat on my towel to "chat." She was wet, I was dry (I dislike salt water, ruins my hair) while my husband was surfing. I didn't even think, just pushed her off my stuff saying "you're wet. Get off."
Her mom was not happy with me.


"They're not toys, Grandma. You don't collect them."


In answer to that last question, "your life or death is out of my hands. My having or not having children is out of yours."

"You're gonna let me die without great grandkids?"
"That's the idea"

I had a woman ask me to hold her baby. I told her the trashcan was across the room. Kinda bitchy, but she just shoved it at me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/40ko9f/roped_into_babysittingwith_a_surprise_twist_pissed/ This entire post makes me pretty fucking angry, but the discussion section is pretty great

Do you want to have kids?
No
But you were a child once!
Yes, and one day I will be a corpse and that doesn’t mean I want one at home
Personally I would have gone with something along the lines of ‘and I hated myself when I was a kid’ or ‘I thought this was a question of preference, not history’, but this shuts them down more quickly

If you make your happiness dependent on my lifestyle choices, you are gonna have a bad time


I genuinely don't understand why snakes freak people out. I love 'em. But I also recognize that a lot of people don't. Stuff like this makes me want to drop a ball python on them and react as they do. "Aww, just boop the snoot! You'll get used to him! He's so docile and anyway his teeth are tiny."
I would never do that in reality if for no other reason than I don't want a flailing phobic hurting the animal, and of course it's basically the worst way to try to accomplish your goal.

You just need to hit them back with "I don't think wishing an abortion on someone is funny". People shut up quick after that.

why am i afraid of the monster I was? Look at the monster I have become

Okay Odds, let me see if I’ve got this straight: You stole the king’s prize horse
Yyeah
You kidnapped a baby?
Yup
You poached a dragon’s newborn wyrmling
Sure did
You snatched a woman off the streets and magically enlarged her breasts to the size of rowboats?
Mhmm
All because you wanted to find out what a triple-meat milkshake tasted like?
Are you going somewhere with this?
And then, after all that, you set it on fire?
It was gross; what did you expect me to do?
…

If you have the ability to not be normal, why would you choose to be normal?

Normal people fucking scare me! Like...hooow can they stand to be normal. All. The time?!

cigarettes are the nails of coffins, you know?
~senji, Deadman Wonderland

World-weary already, dear?

Doakes, I'm not stupid enough to want you dead. You are a good cop, and a good man; the world nees more people like you. But right now, you are in my way

Doakes, you have a good relationship with Laguerta- don't fuck it up

I am doing my level best to paint a sympathetic picture for you; please don't fuck it up

I need to be able to kill people, Doakes, otherwise I'll go crazy... crazier, whichever you prefer

Killing is a natural inclination; it helps us survive, but the motivations behind those who kill for fun or for sport is still not well understood.
If I had to describe how it felt? ...you ever get an itch right in the middle of your spine, where you can't quite get to it? And it just starts to itch worse and worse until you finally break down and either ask someone to put you out of your misery or else do something socially awkward to make it go away?
Kinda like that



This whole set was from an idea I had back when I was still watching Dexter (I stopped about...3 seasons in, I think). In this headcanon, I switched Dexter's genders, and...kind of stabilized her a little bit; not much, but
well, great example here
SPOILER ALERT


Near the end of season 2, James Doakes manages to discover that Dexter is the one behind the Bay Harbor Butcher case, and manages to track him to a cabin in the Everglades. Dexter caught him and planned to frame him, but through some...unusual circumstances, Doakes ended up dead instead.
In my version, the villain protagonist was going to paint someone else as the serial killer, or else let the persona vanish entirely, and was instead going to make Doakes out to be a cop broken by the stress of his job, of viewing himself as robbed of opportunities, and who eventually broke down and went on a weekend-long binge with a cabin-full of narcotics. It would have let Doakes live, and both the police and the FBI would have viewed him with sympathy, but his word would have been dismissed as drug-induced ramblings, and his particular dislike of the meticulous and well-liked Dexter would have been seen as little more than paranoid delusions

What happened afterwards? Hell if I know. it was just an idea

make bets with yourself
that way you always win

We all die; you either kill yourself or get killed
...Well, that was unexpectedly morbid
Oh? Would you rather I sing a song about flying pigs and a green sky?
...No, I'm good
Okay

The night is quiet for once, which is probably what brought the episode on. Everyone is sleeping soundly, when suddenly Odds sits bolt upright in her hammock.
“Dom,” she almost whispers, before yelling at the top of her lungs, “Dom!” She is out of her quarters and rushing up and out of the hold. She glides up the gangplank, manically chanting, “Dom, Dom, Dom…” As she slides up next to the giant, golden figure in question (standing at the wheel; no one knows why; the thing doesn’t work) she finally takes a breath and starts in
“Dom! I just had the best idea. Health…” she pauses for a moment before spreading her hands out for dramatic effect “Pots!” she doesn’t even wait for the warforged to question before launching in.
“Think about it- when you down a healing potion, it doesn’t always heal you completely, does it? Hell no, it’s too small. And why bother carrying multiple potions? That’s just too many small tubes of glass hanging around your waist. Instead, just get one fist-sized urn of the stuff- that way, if you ever get hurt, you just,” she slaps her palm on her temple, grinning like a madman, “smash it over your head!
“Sure, it’ll hurt a little bit, but with that much healing magic who cares? It’ll heal that up along with everything else. Oh, and say your buddy is hurt- you can’t just toss him a potion in the middle of battle- that’d be distracting. Just take out your health pot and chuck it at the back of his head! He’ll be right as rain (can ran be right, she wonders out loud) and neither you nor he have taken your minds from the battle for a second.”
She breathes again, and then stares at Dom with wide, bloodshot eyes.
“Well? What do you think?”