Discordant Dialogue

"It all started when I thought to myself, 'I want to make myself a sandwich'..."

~TSDZPresident

i'm like a genie! I grant wishes! just...wishes for death! Death wishes!...that came out wrong

Bestdragon3: Wakes up passed out

"I will stare into the face of God and Go In Swinging!"

~TSDZPresident

Probably the most terrifying thing you can learn in a situation where a normally-inanimate object is gaining sentience:

"Oh my god! It can think! And it's an asshole!

what may come, may or may not; what will not come will not, whether i force it or not; and what will come will, whether I like it or not. What's the sense in worrying about it?

Blessed are the Gun Makers

Death brings its own reward

Drink deep of victory and remember the fallen

In an hour of darkness, a blind man is the best guide. In an age of insanity look to the madman to show the way

Fuck Learning!
     Learn Fucking!

~TSDZPresident

Mr. Dallas, I'll be honest with you, if you are looking for an ally you can be confident in, I should be the absolute last person on your list
Oh, don't get me wrong- i'm not leaving right now, and I have no qualms with working alongside you, now or in the future. the problem is that everything you are offering- money, power, reputation- none of that means a damn thing to me. What I want, quite explicitly, is a good time mixed with a challenge.
I joined you originally because while you weren't hopeless, you were definitely the underdog. Now, you aren't on top, but you are most certainly headed there. that said, if you want to keep me on the payroll, that's f~ine, but I cannot- and will not- guarantee that i won't turn to fighting you and yours as your little war continues; not because of money, not because of ill will, but simply because if this war of yours continues you and yours will be the only challenge left

So, with that in mind, i leave it to you as to whether or not you want to keep me around
and don't be afraid to tell me to get lost- I know what I am

*sighs* If you want a quiet night out on the town, you have to make everyone else shut up

Me: Hey, how's it going?

Coworker: (sighs) Another day in paradise

Me: If this is paradise, what is hell?

License Plate: Slave to the Traffic Light

Me: Sir, it is too early for shit to be this real

Some choice quotes from the crackfic Personification:


Miles above the surface of the earth, one being frowned. Considered. Then shrugged. Yeah, it would be difficult. So what? Dadversary hadn't raised her to be a quitter.


What?" Danny asked, confused. "Are you friends of Taylor's?"

"Yes." replied the taller of the two boys, at the same time that the shorter of two shook his head and said "No, we're-" They exchanged a look of consternation, before the younger boy sighed, then turned to the girl, as if asking her to explain.

"Yes and no," she said. "Not yet, maybe. We're adopting her." The girl looked up at him with such wide eyed innocence that it took a few seconds before Danny realized what she'd said.


"And so we're here to adopt Taylor," said the blue haired boy.

"I've already got a father, though," Taylor said.

The blue haired boy shrugged. "We'll adopt him too, then."

"That's not how adoption works," Danny muttered.


Leviathan placed each glass down in a swift motion, watching as water trailed behind them to fill each one. Not a single drop spilled. "That good enough?" the blue haired boy grinned.

"Nope," the Simurgh shook her head. "Now they think we were just lying about being capes."


"Five... four..." The young girl started to count down. Taylor tensed. "Three... two... one..."

Before anything else could happen, the Endbringer klaxons went off.

"Zero!" The nine year old girl smiled, suddenly seeming human again. "Now they believe us!"


Sammy- ohgod, the Simurgh- smiled at her. The Simurgh is smiling at her. Oh god. She was going to die.

"That reminds me, the plan." Sammy smiled as if this were a perfectly acceptable segue. "Taylor Hebert, we're making you an Endbringer!"


Sammy shrugged. "I just meant what we said earlier- We're adopting you. So, uh, Happy Birthday to you!" She moved from her chair to give Taylor a quick hug.

"Family," B affirmed, putting his hands on her shoulders. Even Levi scooted a bit closer so he could lean against her. Slowly, Taylor felt herself melt into the affection.

"That's still not how adoption works," Danny, now aware enough of the conversation to complain, mumbled.

"You too." B said, moving one of his hands onto Danny's shoulder.


"Oh, and we had B do some minor radiosurgery to remove some restrictions on your powers," Sammy added. "Nothing to worry about."

The herokiller lifted a hand to wave cheerfully at her. Both the Heberts stared.

Oh god, just found this in the comments section of Queen of the Swarm and I had to share:


I'm ruminating on the next chapter right now, and it will be told from a very interesting perspective.
Baneling bug?

"Oh, how wonderful it is to be born; to see the majesty of the wide, open world--"

Splash!

And thus Sophia melted.

...Shortest interlude ever

Funny Junk from the first 100 pages of comments in Queen of the Swarm:

Oh, I can't wait for the bone wings to come in.

Say it with me - Nilbog Simurgh.

I wonder how she would gain psionic powers, maybe in or after a fight with the Simurgh?
Simiurgh, now hiding on he the dark side of the moon: "Just as planned"

Why is it that most worm fics with horrible if real life situations/people or other side of squick bodily modifications always end up with D'awww moments?


I for one just wanna hear Crawler's actual reaction to her constant evolution.

"That bitch... she's stealing my schtick!"
It'd be more like "A Rival..." followed by a Beast Wars!Megatron-esque shout of "Yessss"

Jack sat staring at a TV in the house they were staying in for the night. Well, that was out of the ordinary. A cape that was that mutated not a Case 53? "Crawler, come here for a moment if you can." The giant lionistic creature that used to be a man poked his head through a hole in the wall.

"What is it?"

"I think someone's stealing your gimmick my boy."

Crawler turned his head toward the TV, showing the before and after pictures of a girl who had gotten seriously injured fighting in Brockton Bay. "Hm..."

Taylor's blood ran cold. The Slaughterhouse 9 had been sighted in Brockton Bay. It wasn't their usual MO; outside of the occasional "Pay attention to us!" killing spree, the 9 usually stuck to backwaters and places ravaged by the Endbringers. Particularly since they were down a member at the moment, it made no sense that they'd come to a hero-heavy city.

Before she could ponder further, the wall was battered down. The enormous, multilegged form of Crawler stood before her, tongue dripping acidic slime. Hundreds of its eyes focused on her, staring intently.

Taylor called Atlas, hoping her beetle could at least distract Crawler long enough for her to escape. But for now, she had to stall. She had to–

Crawler dropped to his knees on his left side, raising up his frontmost right leg, and a gurgling basso voice erupted from deep within his maw.

"You...are...soooo beautiful...to meeeee...."

I shouldn't laugh this hard or loud at the Skitter/Crawler LINES at 1:04 a.m

This site needs a Like but very disturbed button

Honestly, if these omakes come anywhere close to being in the story, Crawler might not even need to become infested. "Screw you guys, I've got a girlfriend (and/or queen) now!"

We require more cuddles

Heh, am I a evil person for wanting a Beth minilude that reveals shes scared shitless of insects and spent the entire tour going 'dont piss off the bug girl, dont piss off the bug girl' in her head? Followed by 'Oh god. I forgot about the locker thing, I'm gonna diiiiiiiiie'


Skittles? We're getting SKITTLES!!!

*SQUEEEEEE*
Ninjafish said: ↑
no! Skrawler is one true pairing!

it's like they're made for each other!
Darth Thanatos said: ↑
No shipping shenaningans, please.

Besides, Skung is the only possible way.
Clearly the only way to answer this is with a deathmatch. Foresight, Lung and Crawler, in a three way fight to the death. It's the only way to be fair.

Lisa, why are you looking at me like that?

*Uses Social-Fu to get them to fight, grabs Taylor and runs away*


Stabbing is how friendship is shown in the Wormverse
"Why hello there friend!" *STABSTABSTAB*

"How do you do Neighbor?" *STABSTABSTAB*

Erm... Just what are these spines for? Anti Brute tactics? Destroying vehicles?
And scaring the hell out of non-brutes.

"Bitch, I'm wearing kevlar!"

*spine punches through an armored car*

"...I'd like to go to jail now."


So how soon can we expect Parian produced Zerg dolls? I desperately want a little plush Baneling.


Zerg Pharmaceuticals making the world better, one gene at a time.

Zerg Pharmaceuticals is a subsidiary of Zerg Inc.

I cant wait till Taylor creates an Ultralisk, the ultimate hug bug.

Dear lord, Zerg Inc. is probably going to become an in-story thing now!


Skitter/QoB having access to Bioplasma...
Quick! Everyone out of the universe!


"Ok, so we've got the cuter Nilbog, the body-jacker, and the singer... Lisa can help when she tries, and everyone thinks Bitch is a Master, even though that's not how it works. Who're we missing?"
"The walking sensation of nothingness and the terror that cannot be perceived; I think that's it."
"Guys! I just got off the phone. Valefur's in town! Lets go get ourselves another member!"
"Aw, these guys are SO CUTE! Uncle Jack never lets me bring home pets like these! Can I join your team instead? I promise I'll ask before I make any changes!"

"You...are...soooo beautiful...to meeeee...."

"Jean-Paul, mon frere, it seems like you have a pretty strong team here. How about making room for your chere soeur?"

"So, um, whenever anyone touches me, an evil clone pops out and I'm constantly hungry for meat. But maybe I can try feeding on that purple goop?"

"Hi! My name is Genoscythe! I hear you guys might have an opening on your team?"

"Our ride to the Birdcage crashed."
"Before you dismiss us, you should try my wife's cooking."
Dorothy's breakfasts are just the right size for an attitude of teenagers.

"Three, Four, Six, Eight, Nine, Eleven, and Thirteen really like your style. One and Two want to kill you slowly, and the others haven't made up their minds. Anyway, we should team up. It'll be fun!"

"Sweetheart, this came in the mail for you. It's from Ellisburg. Apparently, word of your creep-bugs made its way over there, and Nilbog is willing to form an alliance if it means he can acquire a few."

The Simurgh waves in friendly fashion. Presents Tinker-tech creation as a gift, clearly offering to fill this role in the team. Places hands together under chin in pleading gesture.


... Am I the only one who got Raynor vibes from Legend?


My insect instincts told me to fight.
'Oh crap, its the Triumvirate! Quick, Instincts, what do I do?'

'Devour them and add their essence to the Swarm!'

'Dammit Instincts, every time!'

Oh yes, some of these ideas will be incorporated. And, since we're not going to be building a Slaughterhouse 9,000 arc, I'm working on ideas to make Zerg Inc. a real thing in-story.

“Okay, so we have a cuter Nilbog with some sort of mutant shard. Anything else terrifying?”
It's Skitter. Is that a question?

“I'm still mad you picked her for yourself, Jack.” The room rattled with the overwhelming basso voice. “She adapts after she's hurt. She'd make a perfect protege.”
Fuck. FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!

This is SOOOOOOO bad.

I'm imagining Jack getting a feeling of dread when he talks to Skitter, since instead of whispering her secrets to him his shard is just huddled in a corner shouting "Nope" over and over again.


Omake: A wild S9 appears (Part 1)

JACK: Hi there, newest member!

SKITTER: Wat.

JACK: Well, we have to test you first. Rule 1: Don't die. Rule 2: There are no other rules!

SKITTER: ... Wat.

JACK: Have fun!

SKITTER: Um...

JACK: *ninja vanish*

SKITTER: I think that just happened, but I'm not sure.

CRAWLER: O hai there.

SKITTER: Fuck no.

*one 5-segment long violence later*

CRAWLER: Ow.

SKITTER: Bad dog! *whaps Crawler with rolled up newspaper*

CERBERUS: Dammit, Skitter!

SKITTER: I thought I told you to go help with the evacuation!

CERBERUS: Oh, right... *leaves*

CRAWLER: Please stop that. It's demeaning.

SKITTER: No. *continues hitting Crawler with newspaper*


So Jack is stealing Crawler's waifu. This could have interesting consequences.

"Hey, guys!" Taylor nearly chirped. She practically vaulted over the couch.

Lisa looked up at her with narrowed eyes and a teasing grin. "My, someone's happy!"

"Yup!" If anything, Taylor's smile seemed to grow. "Someone sent me a mantis shrimp!"

In the background, Alec groaned. "Oh God, why!"

"They're so cool! I've already figured out how it works!" She scratched her chin. "I'll need to buy a new bed, though - something that can resist thermite-like stuff, maybe?"

She didn't notice that Lisa's smile had become rather strained.


I wonder what Jack's power will read from Taylor? Maybe...

Broadcast: "Hey, watcha doing?"

Overmind: "SPAWN MORE OVERLORDS!"

Broadcast: "Sorry? Are you attacking?"

Overmind: "WE REQUIRE MORE MINERALS!"

Broadcast: "Oookay? Jackie! Try bribery!"

Jack: "Join us Skitter, we have cookies!"

Overmind: "Mineral field detected."

Broadcast: "I think its working!"

Overmind: "YOUR FLESH SHALL FEED THE SWARM!"

Broadcast: "Shit."

Jack: "Crawler! Now!"

Skitter: "AT-LAAAS!"

Broadcast: "Crap, what now?"

Overmind: "Evolution complete."

Broadcast: "...."

Jack: 0_o "Run away!"

S9: "Run away!" "Run away!" "Run away!"

Skitter: \(^u^)/ "Fly my pretties!"


...Movie night at the Hebert household.

Alec chooses Alien as the movie.

Taylor: Hey, I could totally make one of those!

Everyone else: NOPE NOPE NOPE.



A wild S9 appears (Part 2)

SKITTER: Are you done yet?

CRAWLER: ... Yes. I'll be good.

SKITTER: Who's a good dog? Yes you are, yes you are!

RANDOM PRT TROOPERS 1-14: *mental breakdown*

-----

BONESAW: *puts down binoculars* Um, Mister Jack?

JACK: Yes?

BONESAW: You should probably come see this.

JACK: *picks up binoculars* See wha - oh.

-----

JACK: *ninja appear* So, you passed the first test!
SKITTER: ???
JACK: Now it's time for Round 2! Hey, everybody, over here!

SKITTER: Wat.

THE S9 (MINUS JACK AND CRAWLER): Sup.

SKITTER: The fuck is this.

JACK: Well, since you took down Crawler so easily -

CRAWLER: But... but... but... newspapers...

JACK: ... Dammit, Crawler. Anyway, since you took him down so easily, it's time to escalate... big time. Rule 1: Don't die. Rule 2: No other rules. Have fun!

SKITTER: No.

JACK: What?

SKITTER: Fuck everything in this general area.
JACK: huh?
SKITTER: It's time for Plan U.

JACK: Um...

ULTRALISK: O hai there.

JACK: Fuck no.

*5-segment long fight scene later*

THE S9: Ow.

SKITTER: Bad dogs! The Birdcage for you!

THE S9: *sigh* Yes, mistress...

ALEXANDRIA, LEGEND, & EIDOLON: The fuck did we just walk in on.


...The S9 coming to town, the Tri/Cauldron having a spasm, Alexandria is getting headstrong, Contessa is peeved, Taylor is adorable, Crawler's in love, Bonesaw is a horrible blend of adorable and terrifying, and Mannequin is apparently a hacker.
Huh.
Ebiris said: ↑
Well the dude hasn't built any space habitats lately, he probably needed a new hobby.
Agreed. Just because each member of the S9 has their obvious theme/obsession does not mean they lack other interests. They do, after all, periodically go to ground between killing sprees. IIRC, Bonesaw uses that time to do really involved experiments and research that, while morally far beyond questionable, gets submitted to serious journals because her discoveries are actually of interest to the wider scientific community.
Shatterbird has her opera, I suppose. And now I am imagining, on those long rides from town to town, Shatterbird and Bonesaw driving the rest of the S9 crazy singing 99 bottles of (root)beer on the wall. Or even better, the entire S9 minus Mannequin, (but Mannequin is tapping along to provide rhythm) having a sing-a-long on their road trip and heartily enjoying themselves. ("The killer on the bus says who's up next, who's up next, who's up next?" "Take someone down, then pass one around, 36 bottles of root beer on the wall!" "Hit the vic, Jack..." "And they ran, they ran so far away- couldn't get away!" and, of course, "We're on a highway to Hell!" and "bad to the Bone(saw)".) What have you done to me, Spacebattles?
For all we know, Crawler plays chess or uses his own acid to make images in metal.
After so long in the asylum, I suspect Burnscar very much enjoys the great outdoors. Perhaps she hikes or bird watches.
Maybe Cherish has an online advice column for the lovelorn.
The Siberian probably knits.
I can see Grey Boy making sandcastles that will never be washed away, or perhaps are washed away and then restored cyclically. The same with melting/restored snowmen.
For the record, Chuckles did not make balloon animals.
And Jack...okay, no. Jack just fucks with people. He's deeply shallow.

Crawler writes children's books so Jack has bedtime stories for Riley. He publishes them under an alias. He's on the NYT's best seller list.

Jack writes an online advice column. It's surprisingly popular.

Riley plays at public playgrounds after school hours.

Aaand we're back with pages 101-200

Atlas was already there. He caught Butcher with the inner curve of a bladed limb, throwing him back before bringing down the flat of his other blade to smash Butcher into the ground. A small amount of blood dripped from Atlas' hooked blade. The Butcher had been wounded.
Altas - Surprise motherfucker!
Butcher - OW my fucking face!
Atlas - You need to sit down bitch!

......... Skitter just made Amy an actually Huggle Bug. Okay. Cool.


What is it with people wanting to rip Taylor's arm off? I know it happened in Canon, but what the heck is wrong with you people?
Lisa: "Well, how's it feel now that your arm's grown back?"
Taylor: *swinging the appendage around* "Not bad, its evolved again though. Feels heavier, more developed."
Lisa: "Yeah, I can see that. Heavier armor plating, more muscles to compensate. Joints look like they're a lot more flexible, so you'll have a wide range of movement."
Taylor: *pointing to a lump on the end of her forearm above her wrist* "And what's this? It feels... I think it's some kind of weapon?"
Lisa: *takes a close look* "Hmm, no opening. Probably not a projectile. Maybe some kind of signal emitter. Sonic? No... Kind of reminds me of your-"
Taylor: *jerks back as a fwoosh sound is produced by the suddenly appearing glowing blade*
Lisa: "... Hair. Kind of reminds me of your hair. Taylor, what the fuck is that?"
Taylor: "I don't know, but I really want to stab Jack Slash with it."

Evolving Taylor's arms is paramount.

*Edit* Also:
Taylor: "Right, somebody help me pull the other one off."
Danny: "I don't think that's a-"
Alec: "This is gunna be sweet."
Aisha: "Hell yeah!"
Danny: "Do I really need to finish that?"
Taylor: "Yeah, changed my mind."


It's when Taylor learns that she can talk to people in their minds that the shit will really hit the fan.
Piggot: "Taylor you're making it so very hard for us to not put a kill order on your ass, just don't develop telekinesis will you?"
Taylor: "About that..."
Piggot: >: [


Taylor: "There's more."
Miss Militia: "What more could there be?"
Lisa: "Lightning for one"
Taylor: ... I also seem to have grown bone wings... That can punch holes in anything....


Kerrigans wings.

Vestigial like an appendix, but still somehow provide a use when you need em. Like when you absolutely positively have to stab a bitch.


Cutie Bug Crusaders!

Leviathan approached Brockton Bay.
Heroes and villains stood together, ready to face the fearsome foe. So too stood the creations of the independent heroine, Skitter of the Undersiders. Some were monstrous, so much so that they could have been mistaken for Endbringers themselves. Others seems designed to rival the kitten, baby seal, and baby sloth videos in sheer cute. This was the army that would face dread Leviathan.

It took no time at all for the great beast to break through the shields upon the shore. His tail swiped swiftly, cutting down capes in droves. But then, Leviathan came upon the creations of Skitter. He saw their power. He saw their precious widdle faces. He lifted one of the swarm and began...to pet it.

Leviathan's attention became wholly focused on the creature in his arms. He shrugged off attacks as inconsequential. He seemed to forget his tidal waves. A mere twenty minutes passed before Leviathan turned around and returned to the ocean with his new (and, luckily, amphibious) companion.


The Slaughterhouse Nine approached Brockton Bay.
Crawler abandoned the group immediately to go a'courting.

Of those remaining, several found Skitter's CuddleBugs on sale.
Cherish looked into the eyes of one. Her empathy allowed her to read it. Loud and clear, she felt the creature emote, "I have just met you, and I love you." Cherish had never experienced unconditional love before. Such a thing had not existed in the Vasil compound. Not uncompelled. She broke down in tears, cuddling her bug.
Eventually, Regent found out about this. Due to his new understanding of "family," and because she seemed unlikely to kill anyone, he brought Cherie back to the base and put her (and the bug) to bed. Taylor's bed. Because he had not changed so much that he'd give up his own.

Mannequin ran into a pack of raptors. They thought he was a new toy. Oops.

Burnscar's new CuddleBug kept making these distractingly cute little noises each time she thought about burning something. She get an extra one as a gift for Elle. It worked well as a flag of truce when she encountered Elle's friends.

Bonesaw took one look at Skitter's creations and decided she wanted to join the Undersiders. That Uncle Ned seemed to have the same idea helped.

Shatterbird, unfortunately, did not like animals (#1 sign of evil). The Siberian pondered if she might eat them. Jack hated that these killing machines had only eaten one man alive. So there was still trouble ahead. But the Slaughterhouse Three would be easier to defeat.

EDIT: Next chapter, the Undersiders go on a talk show.
What, seriously?

OMG ITS NOW TOTALLY OFFICIAL!! THE WORLD IS DOOMED!! RUN! RUN!
THE ADORAPOCALYPSE IS COMING!!


... I just woke up from a dream.
I dreamt that Colin and Dragon had commissioned Taylor and Amy to create Dragon a new body to get around her restrictions.
Saint wasn't prepared for that one.
Go, go, Dragon Overmind.

Lisa: "I don't care how cute you think it is, Taylor, or how efficient you say it is at hugging people, if the public sees that this entire hemisphere will be blown up to try and kill it."
Taylor: Crosses her arms. "...well, they can always try!"

Aisha: Being waved around by a tendril. "I believe I can flyyyy..."
Alec: Is it supposed to treat its owners like giant finger puppets? Sounds like my kind of hugmonster.

Taylor: Facepalms. "Goddamnit, Alec... and Dragon, please stop waving Aisha around as if you were a monster from a bad hentai, we're not earning any points here."

Dragonmind: "YES, TAYLOR/MOTHER/QUEEN."


They filmed some of the Adam West Batman movie in New York. Nobody batted an eye as they ran down busy streets in tights.

Whenever Skitter comes back to Atlas, she finds people posing for pictures leaning/sitting on the giant bug. Atlas is fine with it, because he's cool like that.

Also, get ready for jokes about huge New York roaches.

Kerrigan: I don't know why Taylor, but when I look at you I hear voices, they keep screaming the same thing.
Taylor: What are they saying?
Kerrigan: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!

Taylor: "I'm not evil!"
Lisa: *waits*
Taylor: "... or an overlord!"
Lisa - *Smugly points behind her to the drastically changed Riley*
Riley - You must spawn more Overlords!
Taylor - Dang it...


Brockton Bay looked alien, almost unrecognizable from the city it had been a few months ago. The few buildings that were still standing were covered in purple, massive tendrils creeping up the sides and spiraling around them. The rest of the city was like nothing of simply human construction. Small ponds of bubbling green dotted the landscape. Massive slabs of chiten and great horns loomed in the skyline. In the center of it all was a massive eye like thing, one that pulsed gently. The one thing that remained untouched was an old oil rig off the coast, which contained almost every parahuman left in the city that was still entirely human. There was no silence, not here. The air was filled with the sounds of swarms of Zerg, the screams of mutalisks, the whistling of scourge, and the gentle puffing of the overlords that patrolled the skies.

Looking out over what had been brockton bay, Director Piggot commented "She is nothing like Nilbog, he could never have done something like this, no she is something far more grand and terrifying than him. She is the Queen of Blades, the Mother of the Swarm, and there is nothing that we can or should do to stop her."

"Director?" asked General Tagg, "Are you sure, I mean, look at this, she is not Nilbog, that much is certain, but why do you say that there is nothing we should do to stop her."

"You have not watched the people as they walk down her streets have you. They walk free, with their heads high. They are without worries, knowing that the swarm is with them. She has created a utopia, not apart from the world, but within it."

If Lisa and Taylor get any more into each other Aisha is going to need an adult.

Naturally. It's only proper for the Queen of Fairies to pay her respects to the newly crowned Queen of Blades.
Ciara - More tea?
Taylor - Yes please. *Sips* Delicious.
Ciara - Thank you.
Taylor - Hug bug?
Ciara - Yes please. *Cuddles* How sweet!
Taylor - Thank you.
Lisa - I dont know if I should hug them both or run screaming?
Alec - Too late to run now. They are getting ideas.


I like that the hug bug is offered in the same tone as the cup of tea. It makes me think of Taylor proffering a bread basket full of cute squirming hug bugs to everyone at the table. Not to eat mind you, just for optional dinner companionship.
Now I can't stop imagining Taylor as that kind but sort of eccentric grandmother.

"Would you like a hug bug, dearie? They're fresh out of the spawning pools and haven't imprinted on anyone yet. Now now, don't be shy, you can have as many as you want."
Riley: "Thank you, granny Taylor!"
Taylor: "You're welcome, dearie. Now run off and play with your little friends. But don't you talk to that boy Jack again, he is nothing but trouble!"
Riley: "I promise, granny. And thank you for all the hug bugs!"


QA in canon latched onto taylor's fear of the creepy crawlies and said "HALPING!!! These won't be a problem anymore since they are now your loyal omnicidal minions!!!" while completely ignoring the fact that she's bleeding and slowly getting lovely blood infections.
Actually, in canon I believe QA latched on to Taylor's feelings of: NO-one is doing their job!!
It fits her mind-view, major complaints, and later actions better.
Then, littlemissmindcontrol@shardtown went "What's the most useful thing I can give you here?"

Let's see... frustration that your fellow shar- uh, people are half-assing the jobs they've taken on... "Le sigh. I feel your pain."
Depression that no-one gives you the slightest bit of help... "Girl, I'll help you."
"Allright, got it; wide-area mind control of your fellow meatbags, boom!" *jazz-hands*
ZION@whalecall: NEGATION
"Eep!" *backspace backspace* "What I meant to say, was, uh-" *flips through copy of 'Triggering, Your Host, and You' *
"Hmm, so, lower-order beings... and she's surrounded by... Wide-area mind control of bugs! Cause humans are like bugs to us, see? ...is he still watching?"
*Taylor seizes in epileptic fit*
"wut" *types furiously* "- with increased parallel-processing from each bug!" *Taylor calms and passes out*
"Phew. No-one saw that, it didn't even happen. You don't know."
*relaxes back in chair*
"Man, that was a problem case. Better keep a log on this. Still, at least it all gets easier from here!"


Hugpocalypse
Phone call time!
Taylor: "So, uh, hi."
Piggot: "You sound hesitant. Damn it, you're hesitant. Oh god, what have you done this time?"
Taylor: "I... made a bug?"
Piggot: "This conversation has yet to improve."
Taylor: "Well, I was thinking-"
Piggot: "Nope, still going downhill."
Taylor: "-thinking that one of my main problems is replaceability-"
Piggot: *calling out* "Somebody get me Panacea on line three, pretty sure my heart's giving out!"
Taylor: "-and there's going to be an Endbringer attack sooner or later-"
Piggot: *still calling out* "Fuck it, call up Bonesaw and have her revive Haywire for me. Screw you guys, I'm out."
Taylor: "... Look, it's fine. She's perfectly nice."
Piggot: *back into the phone* "You already made it. Of course you already made it, why am I even surprised anymore."
Taylor: "Huh..."
Piggot: "That did not sound like I'm about to enjoy what you say next..."
Taylor: "Well, look, it's not that bad."
Piggot: "Oh god."
Taylor: "I mean, they're all under my control!"
Piggot: "And? Wait, 'all'?"
Taylor: "Apparently I didn't stop them from making more of themselves."
Piggot: "Well, that's not too bad, all things considered. They still need you to supply them with that slime."
Taylor: "..."
Piggot: "... Fuck." *calling out again* "And check in with the supply officer, make sure he tops up on the cyanide capsules!"
Taylor: "They're friendly, Director!"
Piggot: *still calling out* "Expect hostile forces in the next half hour at most!"
Taylor: "They're not 'hostile forces'! They just... I don't know why they all seem to take a liking to you-"
Piggot: *whimpering to herself* "...always me...*
Taylor: "-or why these ones seem so intent on making more friends for you."
Piggot: "Could you please at least try to keep them controlled this time?"
Taylor: "Oh hey, triple digits! Well done Broody! Uhh, all of you I guess..."
Piggot: *inarticulate cries of horror and despair*

*elsewhere*

Saint: "We've made a mistake!"
Dragonslayer: "Really?"
Saint: "What? No, don't be stupid. I'm perfect and can never make mistakes concerning artificial life!"
Dragonslayer: "Ok... was there something you wanted?"
Saint: "I was monitoring a potential S-Class threat through our potential S-Class threat's connection to Brockton Bay."
Dragonslayer: "And?"
Saint: "Apparently our focus on Dragon as the harbinger of the robopocalypse-"
Dragonslayer: *muttering* "Not a word."
Saint: "-was a small and completely understandable mistake. Probably caused by Dragon and not myself, of course, as she's an evil, evil machine."
Dragonslayer: "Ok. So... what? There's some other tinker making robots now?"
Saint: "Oh no, not robots. While I'm sure and undoubtedly 100% correct that Dragon is somehow behind this despite our constant monitoring of her not showing any evidence of it, we've got about an hour before the North American continent is submerged in nightmarish creatures of a completely non-robotic origin."
Dragonslayer: "What?!"
Saint: "I know it's hard to believe, but it's true: organic life was the real threat all along."
Dragonslayer: "No, I mean why are we wasting time and not doing something about-"
Saint: "I mean, still not as big a threat as Dragon, obviously, but a threat nonetheless."
Dragonslayer: "... There's something wrong with you. Look, what do we do?"

*elsewhere*

Alexandria: "We've lost the east coast."
Doctor Mother: "We've lost America, Alexandria. We're shifting our focus to other nations, hopefully the swarm will remain contained and we'll be able to scrape together some sort of force to stand against Scion from the rest of the world."
Alexandria: "If only Legend and Eidolon had made it out."
Contessa: "Legend had personally requested one of Taylor Hebert's creatures for his son only a day before. Eidolon... as far as I can tell, he'd triggered a precognitive effect and was in the audience when they were being given away, something to do with 'collectible edition'."
Alexandria: "..."
Doctor Mother: "God, he was always such a nerd."
Alexandria: "We'll have to make do without them. It's a loss, but-
*doorway suddenly opens*
Alexandria: "What?"
Contessa: "No! It's from America. Ground level!"
Doctor Mother: "Quick, we have to get-"
Legend: "I brought you a present! Also, I'm borrowing Doormaker."

*elsewhere everywhere"

Broodmothers: "swarmswarmswarmhughughugswarmswarmswarmhughughug"
Taylor: "I am The Swarm! Armies will be cuddled. Worlds will be loved."
Broodmothers: "swarmswarmswarmhughughugswarmswarmswarmhughughug"
Taylor: "Now at last, on this world, hugs shall be mine."
Broodmothers: "swarmswarmswarmhughughugswarmswarmswarmhughughug"
Taylor: "For I am the Queen of-"
Atlas: *glomp*
Taylor: "No! Nooooo! Gedoff! I'm doing my scary gloating!"
Raptor: *glomp*
Taylor: "Ak! Stooooop iiiiiit!"
Spiker: *nuzzles*
Taylor: "Aw, I love you too, sweetie. Wait, no, stop it. Serious face. World domination! Hugs for the hug god!"
Lisa: "I should probably be more terrified that you've accidentally covered the world in needy, touchy nightmare creatures-"
Taylor: "You take that back! They're cute!"
Lisa: "They're really not, Taylor."
Taylor: "Well, of course the uglybugs aren't, Lisa. That's why they're called 'uglybugs', duh."
Uglybug: *sitting in a corner, forever alone*
Lisa: "I'm going to my room, and totally not just so I can hug the special one you made for me that negates my powers and makes me feel wanted."
Taylor: "See? Everything's good."
Danny: "Taylor! Your creatures are getting creep everywhere! Literally!"
Taylor: "Uhh... Fear me! For I am the Queen of-"
Danny: "You're grounded is what you are."
Taylor: *muttering while stomping off to her room*


Having thought it over, you could actually do something like that depending on where you're taking the story, particularly the Nine. After something bad has happened you could have random critters showing up while Taylor's at school because she's still upset/depressed and all they want to do is comfort her.

Raptor nudging the door to her math class open and plodding over to put its head in her lap and/or nuzzle her. Gives her something to cry it out against.

That's less funny then I had originally envisioned it...


And drones will come into play during Leviathan's attack, as rescue critters.
Colin: "Skitter, what the hell are your things doing?!"
Taylor: "I told them to focus on search and rescue. Don't blame me!"
Colin: "There's hundreds of them and they're destroying the city! I fail to see why I shouldn't be blaming you."
Taylor: "I don't know what caused this!"
Lisa: "Uhh, guys? I think they're rebuilding it. Away from the Endbringer..."
Taylor: "Aw, good boys! Mommy knew you were smart."
Lisa: "... except out of creep-based structures."
Colin: "Oh god, the director's going to kill me."
Lisa: "On the plus side, the city's color coordinated now."
Colin: "It's like a purple, red and bloody Ellisburg. Piggot is going to kill me no matter how you spin it."
Taylor: "Well I think it looks aesthetically pleasing."
Lisa and Colin: "Of course you do."
Taylor: "Hang on, what's that big building?"
Lisa: "Looks like it's generating creep everywhere, along with uglybugs."
Colin: "She's so going to kill me. I wonder if I can put in for a transfer before she gets a chance?"
Lisa: "Well, technically Brockton Bay no long exists, so it's a new city. Director Piggot wouldn't be in control yet."
Taylor: "Ooooh, I'm going to call it Zerus."
Lisa: "Why 'Zerus'?"
Taylor: "I don't know. Sounds good to me I guess?"
Colin: "I'm pretty sure the government isn't going to let you name the city after you dismantled the old one."
Taylor: "Hey, I'm saving lives here!"
Lisa: "Actually... shouldn't we be focusing on the Endbringer?"
*all look over to find it being carried off by Taylor's critters*
Taylor: "Good work guys!" *looks at Colin* "See, that's how you rescue everyone."
Colin: "... why didn't they start with that? You know, before eating our town and vomiting it back up?"
Taylor: *running off* "La-La-La! Can't hear you, too busy rescuing everyone!"


"My host suuucks," 'a' shard whined. "I can't even bond properly with the squib!"

"Girl, come over here! My Taylor's gonna have game!" said the QA.

"Team up! Fuck, yeah!"


Piggot: Remember what I said about making Godxilla?
Skitter: ...Yes?
Piggot: Forget it. I want Godzilla. You have twenty minutes.



Khepri. The day the youngest of the Endbringers first appeared was a day Taylor would never forget. Not because of Khepri herself, but because it was the same day Taylor's mother died, and Khepri served as an eternal reminder.

The youngest was also the smallest of the Endbringers, and the most human in appearance. Only nine feet tall, a woman's body with a runner's build, grey skin that paled towards the right side of her body and darkened towards the left, clad in plates of smooth blue that looked like glass, with long flowing hair made of tiny scaled strands of the same. If she had eyes or ears under the quarter sphere of blue glass that covered the top half of her face, it was obvious she didn't need them.

An attack by Khepri usually meant far less damage than any of her siblings, but like the Simurgh, the real damage came in the aftermath. Khepri was the Master. She could assume direct control over anything with a brain that came within several hundred meters, including access to their thoughts and senses. And with her second power, to create portals without limit, there was no true limit to her reach. If the Simurgh was an engine of paranoia, Khepri was the embodiement of polarization.

Anyone who pays close attention to the Endbringers have always noted one peculiarity they all have in common. In every case, they've held back, even gone easy on the defending capes. And with Khepri, this was even more explicit than with her siblings.

During each of Khepri's three past battles, she had stepped out of a portal in an uninhabited area and walked slowly the rest of the way to her target. Upon arriving, she sealed herself inside a sphere of interlocking portals, and immediately seized control of exactly one third of the defending capes. It was always exactly a third, and always the third with theweakest powers, the lowest ratings.

And then she used those powers, in ways and in combinations that their proper owners often had never imagined possible, to utterly humiliate the more powerful capes who remained free. Even in the third attack, when the Protectorate had tried to stack the deck against her.

Injuries were often severe, but no one ever died during a Khepri attack. Even so, the aftermath was uniquely spectacular. New grudges and new alliances were formed. The status quo was upturned. Formerly ineffective capes were suddenly fearsome.

Khepri was terrifying, because to a lot of parahumans, she was tempting.


All You Need Is Love (and awesome music, apparently?)
A wild Leviathan appears!
Alexandria: "Is she hugging him?"
Lisa: "Yes."
Legend: "Is he nuzzling her?"
Lisa: "Yes."
Eidolon: "Is she stroking his hair?!"
Lisa: "Well... I'm sure she would be if he had any."
Alexandria: "What the fuck."
Lisa: "Yeah, she gets that."
Alexandria: "No. What. The fuck."
Lisa: "Honestly, I'm not as surprised as I probably should be."
Eidolon: "How can you not be?"
Lisa: "Well, we've pretty much tried everything else on them."
Legend: "Aw, she's rocking him back and forth."
Alexandria: "Focus! How can we use this to kill him?"
*critters all turn to glare at her*
*Skitter turns her head to glare at her through the monitor*
*every cape in the room backs away from her*
Alexandria: "I'd like to rephrase that!"
Clockblocker: "Well, at least the day can't get any weirder."
Assault: "Dude!"
Clockblocker: "Aw hell."
*roof gets torn off*
Everyone: "Oh shit!"
Lisa: "Put me down!"
Simurgh: *huggles!*
Legend: "Aw, you made a friend."
Lisa: "Not helping!"
Clockblocker: "Well that's not something you see every day."
Dragon: "Oh no, the seismic warnings are going off!"
Everyone: *glorious mass panic*
Behemoth: *grabs one of Rachel's enlarged dogs*
Legend: "He wanted a puppy?"
Assault: "See, I told you you should have-"
Battery: *assaults Assault*
Rachel: "Everyone wants a puppy."
Legend: "What if they're allergic?"
Rachel: "Panacea makes them not allergic. Why, what else is she for?"
Amy: "I don't think-"
Rachel: "It's ok, most people who don't have puppies haven't been thinking. Here." *shoves puppy into Amy's arms*
Amy: "I-"
Puppy: *stares up with the eyes!*
Amy: *sniffs and whispers into its coat* "... she loves me for me..." *hugs puppy*
Rachel: *nods* "Everyone wants a puppy."
Hugbug: *squeals*
Rachel: "... Or equivalent."
Alexandria: "What the hell are we supposed to do?"
Eidolon: "What am I supposed to do?"
Broodmother: *glomps Eidolon*
Eidolon: "... well, when I Rome, I guess."
Armsmaster: "Well, that's sweet. Horrifying, but sweet."
Dragon: "Well, if you're interested..."
Armsmaster: "Don't be ridiculous, all three Endbringers are already taken and it'd interfere with my work too much."
Dragon: "... yes. Of course."
Alec: *waves hand at Armsmaster making him fall into Dragon* "Best fucking Cupid of all!"
Dragon: "You seem a little... unstable. Likely due to... recent events. I shall... ensure your stability by remaining at your side. With my arm around you. For stability."
Alexandria: "What the hell is wrong with this town?!"
Piggot: *being followed around by the spiker from one of my previous thingies because fuck it continuity bitch* "It grows on you. Well, more latches, but the principle is the same."
Scion: *suddenly appears*
Alexandria: "Oh god, what else."
Scion: *points at hugbug* [DESIRE]
Taylor: "Sure, you can have one."
Broodmother: *barfs up hugbug*
Scion: *scoops up hugbug and points at it* [DESIRE]
Taylor: "Uhh, sure?"
Broodmother: *is best barfer*
Scion: *lets the first latch on and scoops up the next* [DESIRE]
Taylor: "I know they're low maintenance, but are you sure?"
Scion: [INSISTENCE][DESIRE]
Taylor: "Hmm, well I'll just give out what you don't take."
Broodmother: *all of the barf*
Scion: *floats off completely covered in hugbugs* [COUNTERPARTS]
Alexandria: "The. Fuck!"


Hmm, if Alexandria is invincible due to timelocked flesh or whatever, can she even get drunk?
Nope!

But it's like a placebo. She figures if she acts drunk enough she'll actually become drunk.

Legend: Rebecca, you aren't drunk. You can't get drunk.

Alexandria: Don't ruin this for me, I need this!


Classes for next semester
facebook
porn tumblr blog

Almost drowns.
Taylor: Well here goes the need to breathe you guys.
Alexandria: Salivates while looking at Taylor intensely.
Taylor: "I need an adult?"
Alexandria: "I am an adult."
Alexandria: and I want to not need to breath. So, how much convincing do you need to do that to me.
Taylor: . . . . . . . . . .uhhh


Heh, I just had an idea about other PRT directors' perception of Skitter. Maybe Tagg comes to check up on them after the fight.

Tagg: "Look, Emily, it's not that I don't trust you, but even you have to admit it's strange for someone with your history, your psych profile, to place such faith in a chibi-Nilbog."
Piggot: "First off, I'm terrified to ask where you came across the term 'chibi'. Second, Skitter is by no means a threat. In fact, I have her in one of the interview rooms-"
Skitter (offscreen): "MUAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Tagg: "Okay, that's an evil laugh if ever I've heard it. Initiating Master/Str-"
Piggot: "Oh for god's sake, just look." *opens the door, revealing Taylor cackling...while dogpiled by cuddlebugs* "Behold, Tagg, the face of evil."
Skitter: *blushes* "Um, hi?"
Cuddlebug: "Squee!"
Tagg: "Ohgodgetitoffgetitoff!"
Skitter: "Aww, he likes you!"
Spiker: *comes slithering up with a leash in its mouth* "Hsss?"
Piggot: "No walkies now, Spot. Mama's working."
Tagg: "Somebody get me a crowbar, dammit!"



Hugalisk
Ok, I'll admit that getting trapped under a collapsing building courtesy of Leviathan and his waves might not sound like a lucky thing but it'd hurt me enough that, when I'd strained trying to lift the rubble off me by myself for the hours it took to spare a critter from the more urgent cases, my body had decided that slightly better than human strength wasn't enough.

I mean, it's not like I'm going to go around lifting things with my mind after all, that's just ridiculous, so the increase to my bodily strength was more than welcome.

It also made extracting myself from the various Broodmother's arms a much simpler task. Poor dears weren't overly happy about that.

But that was just stage one of my, as then unknown, plan. Finally, a month after Leviathan had made a mess of everything, I'd managed to get Dad to take a break. He'd been running ragged, securing jobs for the dockworkers in the wake of the destruction, and with the cleanup well underway he'd done pretty much as much as he was able to, and I wanted to get him out of town to surprise him when he came back.

And I totally didn't convince Aisha to drop hints about calling up nurse Shelby and inviting her since I'd gotten two tickets and I was just oh so busy helping out around town.

Those things combined meant that I was actually able to put some real omph into the swing, sending my bright red ball soaring over the sides of one of the washed up wrecks from my kneeling position.

THUMPA, thumpa, crash, thumpa... thumpa... thumpa...

I would have been using the chair I'd brought with me, but it kept toppling over.

"Go, boy!"

Thumpa... crash... thumpa... thumpa, thumpa, THUMPA.

"Drop!" I commanded, as Rachel had taught me. There was a light splat as the ball hit the ground, but the drool didn't bother me and I picked it up anyway, flicking the excess away before holding it up again. "Ready, boy?" I was a little embarrassed that I hadn't been able to come up with a name for him yet. Well, a personal one, anyway.

With a small jump-

Crack!

-four legs splayed and his rear end started wiggling back and forth in excitement.

I just kept grinning. "Want the ball?" I swung my hand to the left.

"Who wants the ball?" I swung my hand to the right.

Once the plumes of sand and dust had settled from his attempts to track to the sides, I shouted, "Go, boy!" and pulled my arm back to give an almighty heave.

THUMPA, thumpa, thumpa... thumpa... thumpa...

I'd probably have a bit more time, so I turned to face Director Piggot who'd walked up behind me and frozen as my newest critter had brought me the ball before, likely in appreciation of a well-trained pet, to see her staggering back to her feet. It was a good thing she'd had Amy give her a once over, at least, but she'd hurt herself if she wasn't firmly seated, healthy or not.

In the distance there was a shrieking squeal of metal being torn apart.

"Hello, Director." I said, greeting her with a wave which revealed the ball firmly gripped in my hand. "How's the city restoration projects going? Need more Raptors?"

She stared at me for a moment to gather her thoughts, something I'd noticed she did a lot, and I took the time to lob the ball a few feet off in the direction of the wrecks for when my new critter came back. "They aren't going. At all. The city's in lockdown. Due to the S-Class Threat."

The words didn't register for a moment as my eyes had caught my little baby climbing over the top of one of the wrecks before he disappeared from view with an audible thump.

Oh hell.

And here I'd been playing around and trying to surprise Dad by clearing up the Boat Graveyard a bit. I hadn't even known something was wrong.

"I'm so sorry, Director!" Quickly, I fumbled my phone out of my pocket. "I never got the warning though. What is it?"

Director Piggot breathed deeply and closed her eyes, so it mustn't be good. I sent a mental command to my Broodmothers to start producing more Broodmothers to start producing more Broodmothers. After all, it'd worked for the Nine. Anything short of an Endbringer would rue the day they showed their face in Brockton-

"You."

After a short moment of silence, brutally murdered by another crash coming from further along the shore, I managed to formulate a response that perfectly encapsulated what I wanted to say in a single word. For a loose definition of 'word'.

"Bwuh?"

It probably wasn't one of my better ones, but it got the message across.

"You, Taylor."

"Skitter." I helpfully pointed out. "I'm in costume."

She left a red mark on her forehead, clearly visible after she removed her hand. "No. You're not, actually."

I reached a hand up and found that she was quite right; my mask was nowhere to be found. It wasn't a huge problem since everyone knew who I was anyway, what with the whole mutated body, going to a public school, and having packs of my critters whenever I went out following me. The news segment about my cuddlebugs was also somewhat responsible for my lack of anonymity.

"Oh. Well... Bwuh?"

My dad always told me to stick with what works.

"It's on that damn thing!" Director Piggot shouted as she pointed off down the path cleared by my new critter's search for the ball I hadn't actually thrown.

"It's a 'he', Director." I said, accusingly, "You know I don't like it when they're dehumanized."

"Taylor." Once more she stopped to formulate her thoughts. I'd always admired that about her, that she was able to calm herself to properly get her point across. "What did we talk about before Leviathan attacked Brockton Bay in regards to new creatures?"

"Oh!" Well, that was easy, and explained part of her temper even if not the threat rating. "Sorry! I forgot to run it by you. Again. Sorry. Uh, sorry?"

"Yes, that's valid. But what else was mentioned?"

Maybe I had used the wrong words? "Well, he... it is definitely not able to reproduce. I just... you know I treat them like they're my children. Please don't be mad about that!" I was definitely not staring up at her in tears over the thought of having to treat my babies as things, even if I realized most people saw them that way.

"Hrrrrn." She turned away from me for some reason before waving her hand at me and offering a 'no no, that's fine' while she let me compose myself. When I'd cleaned myself up a little she turned back and continued. "Ok, I'll grant you that you've recalled the most relevant parts of the conversation, but what was the first thing I was worried you'd make?"

Thumpa... thumpa... thumpa... thumpa, thumpa, THUMPA.

Sliding to a stop after returning empty handed - mouthed? - my newest creation spotted the ball I'd not actually thrown and with a happy squeal -

"GREEASCAAAAAAW!"

- scooped up the ball in its mouth and took a handful of steps -

THUMP, THUMP, CRACK, THUMP.

- over to where Emily and I were talking, dropping the ball on the ground with another splat.

I was so proud. I hadn't even had to tell him this time!

Oh! And he had taken my mask. Probably when he'd been nuzzling me off the chair for the second time. I motioned him closer, thankful that Piggot stepped back to give him room, and he bent down to let me stretch up and pluck my mask off a jutting tooth on the left side of his mouth. I couldn't quite reach it, so I grabbed a tooth instead and hauled, lifting myself up so my other hand could reach.

"Good boy!" I said, since he'd been behaving so well. "Again?"

Once more he got ready and this time I lobbed the ball as far as I could to give the Director and I more time to talk.

THUMPA, thumpa, thumpa... thumpa... thumpa...

I'd managed, likely through practice, to remain standing as the ground shook, and gave the Director a hand righting herself.

"He's such a sweetie pie. Bit of a licker, but I'll hold him off you," I reassured her, "and he's more interested in roads in case you're worried. Not sure why though, not exactly game to try myself, and I've been too busy teaching him tricks anyway." That little warning out of the way, I turned the conversation back to more pressing matters. "So, sorry, but I'm drawing a blank. What was the other thing you were worried about?"

"SCREEEEEAAAAAW!"

We watched as, in the distance, one of the shipwrecks was lifted off the ground by two gigantic blades and smashed back to earth. Picking ourselves up, again, Emily pointed towards the disturbance. "God-freaking-zilla!"

"Oh, that's not a Godzilla. I checked to make sure I wouldn't be infringing on any copyright." I helpfully informed her. "That's a Hugalisk."

"That's a damn-" Her eyes snapped back to me from where she'd been pointing. "You can't call an S-Class threat that!"

Now I was just getting confused. "Why not? And I thought you said I was the S-Class threat?"

"Apparently you rode that thing-"

"Him. Or Hugalisk." I interrupted. Honestly, we'd been over this.

"... you rode him through town. None of the residents really cared because, well, you," Aw, it was nice to be a bit of a hometown celebrity, "but a few tourists panicked and now we've got an Endbringer sized response group of capes outside town." She waved her right arm in what was presumably the direction said response group was in. It might have just been towards the world in general. "Imagine my surprise when Chief Director Costa-Brown calls up my office to inform me that support has arrived!"

"... well, ok, but he's not Godzilla, so I'm not sure where the confusion has come from."

"Size! I was talking about size!"

There was another crash. I received a sensation of contentedness through the bond and assumed it to be the result of the little guy rubbing his back against a scrap of metal.

"Also the large amount of strength, speed and huge claws."

"What?" That was just silly. "He doesn't have claws though."

The director face-palmed again. "You don't even bother thinking about the rest, do you?" I figured it was probably a rhetorical question, as she continued speaking straight away. "Ok, what do you call those things it- he picked the boat up with if not claws?"

"Oh they're kind of modified arms." I started up, warming to the subject. "I call them Kaiser Blades, mainly to annoy any E88 that might still be in town, but also because they're, well, pretty damn big and imposing like a kaiser is supposed to be, and also because they're really snuggly like I'm guessing a kaiser's supposed to be for the people they protect."

"You... How are giant blade arms supposed to be snuggly?!" She asked.

"Well, they're only blades on one edge, obviously, so I had to do something with the internal side."

"But why did you make even one side of a huge area a blade? That's incredibly dangerous!"

I rolled my eyes at her theatrics. "Well he obviously doesn't give hugs with that side of the blades. They're for helping clear the coast here to help encourage business to return to Brockton Bay."

Emily Piggot took another moment to gather her thoughts.

"Why is it that everything you do terrifies me, and ends up sounding utterly reasonable and helpful in the end, despite that?"

I just shrugged. "I don't know. Just like helping, I guess?"

Thumpa... thumpa... thumpa... thumpa, thumpa, THUMPA.

There was a small amount of dust that was kicked up as my Hugalisk skidded to a stop with the ball in his mouth. After commanding him to drop it again, I decided to congratulate him on being such a good boy. Off to the side, Director Piggot had retrieved her phone from a coat pocket and was talking to someone.

"Piggot here. Yes, I have 'made contact' as I said." She even used air quotes on the phone. I would have laughed, but I didn't want to interrupt.

"Hug!"

"GREEASCAAAAAAW!"

"What was that?!" Came a panicked sounding voice from the other end of the phone call.

"That was the Hugalisk." Piggot said.

There was a brief moment of silence as I enjoyed the slightly soft specially designed hugging 'edge' of the Kaiser Blades wrapping around me, bringing my feet off the ground and swinging me into the air, letting me plant a kiss on my critter's cheek before I heard the response.

"You can't call an S-Class threat that!"


Disregard women; acquire cuddlebugs.


Love how nonchalant Brockton Bay's residents are implied to be in that omake: "RUN FOR YOUR-- Oh, it's just Skitter. How about that coffee, Marleen?"
What would you do when you found out that you had a friendly Nilbog in your city? Basically, at that point, there is nothing that any of them could do if she chose to wipe them out. Instead, they can just relax, knowing that the worst that is likely to happen is a surprise cuddlebug infestation.

"Dear, there are cuddlebugs in the garbage again."
"Why are you screaming about abominations? Don't you have dog walkers back home?"
"It's environmentally friendly to throw garbage onto the creep clusters, you don't expect me to just toss it out without processing it first, do you?"
"What's a 'travel expenses'? Just walk without rhythm to attract a Nydus Worm."
"Prison? Is that the place criminals go to get infected? Roaming queens are much more convenient."
"Your public seating doesn't hug you?"


Hostage Situation (also I'm not sorry at all and made more of them: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Taylor: *opens the door being knocked on* "Oh, hi!"
Vicky: *sets down Amy* "Hi Taylor. How's things in the abominations against nature business?"
Taylor: "Not bad, not bad. Been kind of quiet around here after we got the new maids..."
Jack: *off somewhere cleaning in a French maid outfit provided by Regent that no one asked him about* "Live for the swarm!"
Lisa: *from the same room* "Now extend the 'cutting edge' of the duster to get the top of the fan!"
Taylor: "But yeah, no complaints. How's things with you guys?"
Amy: "Fair enough. Got a new villain to deal with though."
Taylor: "Oh? Anyone I've heard of?"
Vicky: "Could be. Want to close your door and back up a bit for a sec?"
Taylor: "Sounds reasonable!" *closes door and backs up a bit for a sec*
Vicky: *smashes door in* "Ah ha! Found you!"
Taylor: *ignores rain of splinters and sends a command to her minion to make a new door*
Mannequin: *folded up in the broom closet awaiting orders* "Ready to serve!"
Amy: *stepping in after Vicky* "Sorry about this."
Vicky: "Right, where's the hostage, scum?!"
Taylor: "Uhh... who?"
Vicky: "Give him back!"
Taylor: "Yeah, I think I'll stick with 'who?' for the time being."
Danny: *calling out from the lounge room* "Is that the vacuum cleaner salesman again?"
Taylor: *calling back* "No, Dad. It's Vicky and Amy."
Danny: *still sitting on his ass* "Say hi to them for me."
Taylor: *looks at Vicky and Amy*
Vicky: "Hello Mr Hebert!"
Amy: "Hello Mr Hebert!"
Taylor: "Hostage?"
Vicky: "Right. Give him back."
Taylor: "I don't know who you're talking about."
Vicky: "Mr Bearington the Bear. One of your creatures took him."
Amy: "It was probably the Broodmother."
Taylor: *nods sagely* "Well they were getting along quite well."
Vicky: "It's still kidnapping. He's mine. I even told mom and she said she'd back us up."
Taylor: *calls the Broodmother to her* "Hang on a sec."
Broodmother: *arrives clutching Mr Bearington* "Ksssshaa."
Vicky: "Ah ha! I knew it!"
Amy: "It wasn't hard to guess. It left a pile of creep in your room."
Vicky: "And a serial litterer as well! Does your evil know no bounds?!"
Taylor: "Aw, come on. Mr Bearington doesn't seem to mind."
Mr Bearington the Bear: *says nothing like a good little Barbie doll*
Taylor: "See?"
Vicky: "Stockholm Syndrome!"
Danny: *calling out again* "Taylor, ask the girls if they want to stay for dinner."
Taylor: *looks at Vicky and Amy again*
Amy: "I don't know. What were we having again?"
Vicky: "Don't know."
Taylor: "It's Lisa's turn to cook tonight."
Vicky: "Oh, then sure. I don't mind making her work more."
Amy: "Yeah, sounds fine."
Taylor: *yelling back to her father* "Yeah, they'll stay."
Phone: *rings in the background*
Vicky: "Look, can I have my doll back or not? Because Mom said we had to do something about it."
Broodmother: *gives best puppy dog eyes it can with a kitty face*
Taylor: "Aw, what's the harm? Look at them, they're a perfect couple!"
Broodmother: *proceeds to hug Mr Bearington*
Mr Bearington the Bear: *accepts hug with no complaints*
Amy: "Wait... why did Mom tell you we had to do something about this?"
Vicky: "Because she heard me when I realized Mr Bearington had been kidnapped by one of Taylor's creatures and she said 'We have to do something about it!'"
Amy: "Yeah, umm, but... but you didn't actually say 'Mr Bearington', right? Or 'kidnapped'? Right?"
Vicky: "Umm... maybe?"
Taylor: *forehead slaps*
Amy: *forehead slaps*
*sirens start to wail because comedic timing *
Vicky: "Shit."
Danny: *calling out again* "Taylor, the director's on the phone. Wants to know how badly misunderstood and blown out of proportion it's going to be this time."
Taylor: *calling back* "Uhh, someone thought my Broodmothers were running around kidnapping people."
Danny: *after passing on the message* "Well she says you've got to explain it to the S-Class threat response group this time."
Taylor: *is responsible adult* "But it was Vicky's fault!"
Danny: "Taylor."
Taylor: *sighing* "Fine."
Amy: "It's ok. We'll come with you."
Taylor: "Thanks. But..."
Vicky: "What?"
Taylor: "Well... not it!"
Vicky: "Wha- notit!"
Amy: "Not- damn it!"
Vicky: "What goes around comes around!"
Amy: "But I've got nothing to do with it!"
Taylor: "Rules are rules."
Amy: "This isn't a Tea and Book Appreciation Society meeting!"
Vicky: "It's a dispute between members."
Broodmother: *nods*
Mr Bearington the Bear: *is nodded by Broodmother*
Taylor: "Definitely. It's unanimous."
Amy: *muttering to herself* "Damn whipped Barbie doll. Last time I let you have extra cookies."
Vicky: "Look, after last time I'm sure there's not going to be that many capes."
Taylor: *forehead slaps*
Amy: *forehead slaps* "Damn it Vicky. Fine. But you guys have to help."

*on the outskirts of town*

Alexandria: "We knew it would come to this."
Legend: "And she seemed like such a sweet girl, too."
Eidolon: "You mean, besides the mutations and horrible abominations, right?"
Legend: "Uhh, no. Seemed pretty sweet all round. My completely irrelevant kid and husband who're only there to show how progressive the world is since I came out of the closet have really loved the cuddlebug."
Alexandria: "Be that as it may, the world doesn't need another Nilbog running around and with this many capes we'll be able to put her down for good."
Armsmaster: "Seriously, this is a massive waste of my time. I could be Tinkering!"
Alexandria: "I'm disappointed in you, Armsmaster. Aren't you the least bit concerned for the PRT and civilians that're stranded in the town at the mercies of Gilbog?"
Armsmaster: "Frankly? No. Also; 'Gilbog'?"
Alexandria: "Girl Nilbog. Keep up."
Armsmaster: "At the risk of sounding insubordinate, that's the stupidest thing I've heard all day. And I've already had to speak to Clockblocker twice."
Clockblocker: "I'm helping!"
Dragon: "Get ready, something's coming!"
Everyone: *tenses in preparation*
Amy: *steps out from behind a building and shouts* "Alright. Nobody move, or the bunny gets it!" *points a gun*
Miss Powderpuff: *remains clutched in Amy's arm, with gun pointed at her head*
Clockblocker: "Woo!"
Assault: "*hands over money* "Damn it!"
Alexandria: "Oh no, Gilbog got to Panacea!"
Dragon: "I've got a shot..."
Legend: "No! She's the world's greatest healer! We need her for Endbringer fights."
Amy: "I have demands!"
Armsmaster: "Amy, what the hell are you girls doing?"
Alexandria: "Armsmaster, don't antagonize the terrorist when they've got hostages."
Armsmaster: "... it's a stuffed bunny rabbit."
Alexandria: "We don't know that. With Panacea's abilities that could be anyone!"
Legend: "Panacea, if Gilbog has some sort of control over you, we can help you!"
Amy: "What the hell is a 'Gilbog'?"
Alexandria: "Girl Nilbog. Obviously."
Amy: "That is the stupidest thing I've heard all day."
Clockblocker: "Right to my face?"
Amy: "Oh, sorry Clock, I'll talk to you later."
Clockblocker: "'s cool."
Dragon: "What do you want?"
Amy: "I have a list of demands!"
Everyone: *silence*
Everyone: *still silence*
Dragon: "And they are?"
Amy: "Right. Sorry. It's my first time holding hostages."
Dragon: "Take your time, dear."
Alexandria: "Plural? How many hostages do you have?"
Brandish: "Vicky mentioned one other at least. A 'Mr Bearington'. Unless Skitter's-"
Alexandria: *mutters* "Gilbog."
Brandish: "-forced Amy to change his appearance."
Vicky: *is in the group* "Yeah, hand over Mr Bearington! He's mine!"
Gallant: *heart breaks but no one cares anyway*
Brandish: "Hang on, didn't you go with Amy to confront Skitter?"
Alexandria: *mutters* "Gilbog. Girl Nilbog. It's obvious, people."
Vicky: "Uhh, no?"
GilbogSkitter: *is also in the group* "Definitely not."
Everyone: *collective gasp of horror*
Assault: "Woo!"
Clockblocker: *hands money back* "Damn it!"
Dragon: "How did you get here?"
Skitter: *points behind crowd of capes*
Nydus Worm: "Graaaaooooor!"
Skitter: *puts finger to her lips* "Shh, sweetie, we're being stealthy."
Armsmaster: "So much wasted time."
Broodmother: *appears next to Amy with Mr Bearington still clutched in her claw hand thingies*
Alexandria: "She's marshaling her forces!"
Amy: "I want the bear!"
Alexandria: "What bear?"
Broodmother: *holds up Mr Bearington the Bear, who is still just a Barbie doll*
Amy: "That one."
Vista: "Boo Ya!"
Assault and Clockblocker: *hand over money* "Damn it!"
Everyone: *facepalms*
Alexandria: "No, don't let your guard down. Those two 'dolls' could be anyone!"
Vicky: "No, that's my doll and one of Amy's stuffed toys."
Eidolon: "Maybe she's gotten to you?"
Brandish: "No. I recognize them from when I bought Vicky that Barbie doll."
Alexandria: "And the bunny?"
Brandish: "How should I know? What do I look like to you, a competent parent?"
Eidolon: "Then it could be anyone!"
Vicky: "Damn it, Mom."
Dragon: "I'm starting to think I should stop passing on threat warnings from this town..."
Alexandria: "You already have the Barbie doll!"
Amy: "Bear!"
Alexandria: "It's not a bear."
Amy: "He's Mr Bearington the Bear. Why would he be called that if he wasn't a bear? Logic!"
Vicky: "Because you're crazy enough to have tea parties with Taylor and her creatures and a handful of toys?"
Amy: "They're Tea and Book Appreciation Society meetings!"
Legend: *to Taylor* "Really?"
Skitter: "Oh yes. Tasty and informative!"
Legend: "Sounds fun."
Skitter: "We have cookies as well."
Brandish: "So that's where all my cookies have been going!"
Legend: "Uhh... are you looking for new members?"
Alexandria: "Focus!"
Legend: "Sorry." *slips business card to Taylor on the sly*
Alexandria: "Are you willing to release just one of your hostages as a show of goodwill?"
Amy: "Nevar!"
Alexandria: "Why not?"
Amy: *is having far too much fun* "Say 'please'."
Alexandria: "Will you please release one of your hostages as a show of goodwill?"
Amy: *so much fun* "NEVAR!"
Eidolon: *grabs Skitter* "We have your master!"
Skitter: "Uhh, I'm kind of not."
Amy: "She's not my master."
Eidolon: *realizes he's being useless as usual* "Oh, uh, sorry about that. We just assumed..."
Skitter: "It's all good."
Alexandria: "So, you're operating alone? Why?"
Amy: "No! I have Miss Broodmother with me. We'll never give up her right to love!"
Broodmother: *nuzzles Mr Bearington*
Vicky: "Give me back my doll, damn it!"
Alexandria: "This whole thing's just you girls playing at tea parties?"
Skitter: "And book appreciation. It's important to have a proper selection of reading material to discuss."
Everyone: *realizes they should have known better by now*
Dragon: "Right. I'm changing my S-Class threat response for this town to 'ignore the hell out of it'. Anyone got any problems with that?"
Everyone: *is too busy wandering/teleporting/flying home to care*
Dragon: "Right. Armsmaster, care to Tinker for a bit?"
Clockblocker: "Is that what they're calling it th- oof."
Armsmaster: *refrains from smacking Clockblocker again* "I'd love to."
Alexandria: "Well, this was a colossal waste of time."
Legend: "I'd hate to say I told you so except I really don't."
Alexandria: "... never going to hear the end of this."
Amy: "Wait, what am I supposed to do now?"
Vicky: "Give me back my damn Barbie doll!"
Amy: "He's a bear! Also, NEVAR!" *runs off into town*
Broodmother: *chases after Amy*
Skitter: "Aw, they're already on their honeymoon. That's so sweet."


Taylor - *Dramatic Spotlight turns on above her* Gentlemen. I'm here to dispel a few rumors I've heard circling the world.
Cuddle bugs - *Baited breath*
Taylor - Some say, that I like Cuddles. I do not merely like Cuddles. *Deep breath* I LOVE Cuddles.
Cuddle bugs - Skreee! *Happy squealing*
Taylor - Over the years I have discovered many different types of Cuddles.
Cuddle bugs - *Rapt attention*
Taylor - When you and your partner fight and then make up, Cuddles.
Cuddle bugs - *Tiny note pads appear and they start writing it down*
Taylor - When you get home from work and your really tired and just want to rest, Cuddles.
Lisa - This is the most amazingly adorkable thing ever...
Taylor - When your parent or significant other brings you a new gift and it's so amazing you could just die from happiness, Cuddles.
Rachel - *Sage nod*
Taylor - I am a purveyor of Cuddles.
Taylor - The Cuddle Major
You, good sir, have me on the floor. I'm actually typing this on my ipad from the floor while in tears.
Oh God, and I can see it, her swaggering back and fourth in that coat before friends and Zerg.


Guys guys guys. While you're all worried about Coil, and Cuddlebugs, and Time-Travel, everyone seems to have forgotten something: The Slaughterhouse 9 are coming, and Noelle was Crawler's target in canon... meaning that he now has two playmates for when he finally arrives in Brockton Bay, meaning even more chaos and destruction...
...
...
...

SkitterXCrawlerXNoelle OT3

Jack - Hello kids.
Lisa - Oh hey... It's Jack Slash. How Original. Umm, What's your pal doing?
Crawler - *Vibrating in anticipation*
Jack - Hes just excited from the trip.
Lisa - Actually, I think hes excited for entirely different reasons...
Noelle - Hey Lisa, what's going on out here...
Crawler - !!!

*Cue Track: The Lion Sleeps Tonight*

Noelle - !!!
Crawler - !!!

Jack - This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen.
Lisa - But I cant look away.... why? Why cant I look away!
Taylor - Hey guys... Buwahhh? What the heck are they doing?
Lisa - Making Cuddle bugs the old fashioned way I think...
Taylor - How, inefficient. *Spits up a batch of Cuddlebugs* This is so much easier.
Jack - *Picks a cuddle bug up and pets it gently* I think I'll spare this city...
Riley - SQUEE! *Cuddles all the bugs*
That's both horrifying and inspiring.

Noelle/Crawler - both stop doing what they were doing before looking at Taylor
Taylor - EEP! *runs for hills*
Noelle/Crawler - *come back here! We want cuddles!*
Lisa - O_O ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"i've dealth with death twice today; I'd like not to deal with the Grim Reaper again"

Death:
*walks in*
*quietly sits down at unoccupied desk*
*folds hands on lap politely*
*smiles mysteriously*

*Is about to die*
*Eats popcorn* "Well ain't this just a son of a bitch"

~thank you, Markiplier
fucking Five Nights at Freddy's 5

"You have raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly sirs, well done. Now excuse me while I kill you and everyone you love"

"But I don't love anybody"

"Good, then this shouldn't take long"

Dreamin'!

Don't give it up, Soldier

Dreamin'!

Don't give it up, Hanzo

Dreamin'!

Don't give it up, MERCY


~lyrics by TSDZPresident

Me: You win this time, gravity!

Gravity: I win every time

Time: excuse you?!

You: dafuq is going on here?

Dafuq: I'm doing what now?

Now: *shrugs*

Do I hope I'm going made because the alternative is worse?

Never attribute to malice what can just as easily be attributed to stupidity

just noting for notation's sake:

Clark's Three Laws:
1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

"We will now finish this lecture by talking about sex, like all classes should finish"