Discordant Dialogue

you see, young lady, our kind dislike wizards. They are egotistical like a cat, selfish like a pig, sly like a snake, and like a devil, loyal to greed

the 'fucked' value of this experiment is statistically significant

that is all well and good, but do you have anything novel to tell me?

TS: have you talked to Jesus recently?

Me: ...maybe...

TS: you need to talk to Jesus to find out why you are getting so much ammo

*Squints*

Calls bluff

Bluff is not a bluff

*Dies*

Me, reading a funny on Tumblr: Wait... if you have social anxiety... and I have social anxiety... then who's going to order the food?

TS: The phone

Have you accepted the Plain Doll into your life?

Test subject, strapped to an operating table, just learned woman’s name: What the shit, that is the coolest name ever! How the hell did you get lucky enough to get that moniker?

Woman (excited): Oh, let me tell you a tale! I… (deflates) don’t have anything for this. I printed off a list of names and.. threw a dart.. at it

Subject: …you disappoint me

Woman: I disappoint myself

*cocks head*

*shocks head*

*feels better*

Live quietly,
Die violently

Odds flirting

*kisses person on the mouth*
*they suddenly pull away and begin coughing. Spend two rounds vomiting up a cloud of butterflies*
*Odds smirks*
“Guess you weren’t kidding about being nervous”

*shunts bottle of orcish stout into prison where companion is*
Companion: that is how you make friends, buddy


we ran out of virgins; cookies must do

Grave: why do people find bleu cheese appealing?

Best: because you touch yourself at night

Me: (shower thought) if you are inside your skin, aren’t you touching yourself all the time?

Grave: *slow-blinks*

the barrier between existence and oblivion is thinner than you know

Heads up, boys and girls! Black wall of the apocalypse approaching from the east!
How fast?
Three minutes, give or take?
Damn, I was hoping for five

Colonel, they’re running themselves ragged
If they’ve got enough energy to complain, they’ve go-
They Don’t, Colonel, they-
Then they should be out on assignment
(beat)
Sir, Emily has second-stage jungle rot on her left foot, a severe case of the flu, and is losing the ability to bend her fingers. Bert is hobbling on a shattered fibula and is partially blind in one eye. Both are suffering from muscle strains, malnutrition, sleep deprivation, fatigue- neither of them can even hold their heads up for briefing. If they go any further they’ll die
Can you fix them?
They are not machines and I am not a mechanic-
Can. You. Fix. Them?
No sir. I don’t think I can.
*looks up*
If these are the conditions you are going to keep my patients working under, then I don’t think I can work here anymore
Then get out
*gapes* what about-
I’ll find someone else
*stares, shocked*
*goes back to work*
You would really do it, wouldn’t you? Get some heartless stranger to keep putting them back together so you can keep breaking them?
*doesn’t answer*
*stands up* If you need me, I’ll be in my office, Colonel
Good talk, Doctor


This was a conversation I came up with all the way back in high school, which is probably why it sounds so jankety. Was supposed to be about a small government initiative that undertook grey-black operations to keep American citizens safe, featuring the Colonel as the commanding officer, Emily and Bert (ironically known as B&E) as his field agents, and the Doctor who kept putting B&E together when they (consistently) got severely injured on the job.
B&E actually became pretty well-known for keeping at the job even when they were suffering from staggering amounts of injuries. As in, ‘Emily just jumped out of a 10-story window and hit a car with her back to save a kid from a fire’. ‘She on her way to the hospital’. ‘She should be’. ‘explaaain’. ‘She says that the item in question is still on the 14th’. ‘Siiigh. Fine, tell her not to jump this time’.
Conversation about damage happened physical damage happened a lot, especially considering that despite all of that the group was actually a lot like a little family.

I was in high school; I had a lot of stupid ideas back then

Me @ the ferrets: How? How do I get the cotton out of your heads?

Shh. Brys! The babies are sleeping
Here, let me help you with that! *presses button. Medium explosion*
There, now they will sleep forever. What’s on your mind?

Brain: you have literally no reason to sit on a swivel chair

Me: But it's there...

Gravekit playing Elise:

"all of ARAM- you can't do that here; this is where the spider lives"

Me: People die when they are killed
Me: ...but people are not always killed when they die

Me: ...goddamnmit

I'm not a heretic- i'd have to actually believe in a god first

Where is ___?
cleaning her guns
*sighs* i know those guns are her life and livelihood, but i wish she would stop petting them every 5 minutes and actually help us
You rang?

*speaking about problems people are having, and how the current distribution of aid is ineffective
you're preaching to the choir here, sweetheart
*acknowledges; starts talking about a related subject*
*cuts off* Preaching. Choir. Back to work

TS: oh, here i go, ending lives that don't matter

Me: (off to one side in a really squeaky voice) oh but all lives matter

Me: (facing the conversation direction, in my normal voice again) no they fucking don't

It’s fine if you want me to go first. I understand if you don’t wanna get too close to me- I know what I am.


Hello, this is the Tinman Agency. How may we help you?